Boof!

The resume of former Twins starter Boof Bonser is far from impressive. The pitcher the Twins acquired (along with Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano) from the Giants for A.J. Pierzynski seems to have washed out as a starting pitcher, putting up a 5.88 ERA as a starter in 2008 before missing the entire 2009 season with a torn labrum and torn rotator cuff.

It's a low-risk pickup for the Red Sox, and he certainly would be a reasonable fit as the long reliever at the end of the bullpen. After the trade of Justin Masterson at the end of July, the Red Sox really didn't have anyone in their bullpen capable of taking over in the fifth inning and pitching the rest of the way.

Manny Delcarmen and Ramon Ramirez made 20 and 15 appearances, respectively, in games in which the Red Sox already led or trailed by four or more runs, and Hideki Okajima even made eight appearances in what could be considered a mop-up role. Takashi Saito spent most of the season as the team's designated mop-up reliever, but even Saito pitched more than one inning just six times all season.

Bonser has a career strikeout-to-walk ratio of 2.54 and has had quite a bit of success (.247/.296/.404) against righties, so he could be a nice fit at the back end of the Red Sox bullpen.

If he's not, well, he'll probably be released in spring training without having cost the Red Sox all that much money. He's arbitration-eligible this winter and will be awarded a salary somewhere in the $1 million range, but if the Red Sox cut him before the season begins, he'll be entitled only to 45 days' termination pay.

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Just for fun: A couple of years ago, when I was working at the St. Cloud Times in central Minnesota, a coworker and I tackled a completely pointless project -- writing songs about Twins players to the tune of Beatles songs. Pitcher Nick Blackburn, whose name fits nicely into the tune of "Blackbird," inspired the project, but more than 30 followed after that.

Writing a Beatles parody about Bonser especially seems to fit given that his given name at birth actually was John Paul Bonser. He had it legally changed to Boof back in 2001.

Anyway, the below song is a bit outdated since the Red Sox likely see Bonser as a last-arm-in-the-bullpen type of guy rather than a starting pitcher. He also hasn't been as productive as he was expected to be when this song was written back two years ago.

But why should that stop us? Enjoy.

Boof (to the tune of "Help!")

Boof!
I need a starter!
Boof!
Not just any starter!
Boof!
You know I need six innings!
Booooooooof!

When he was younger, so much younger than today
He couldn’t seem to win and had a lousy ERA
And now those pounds are gone; he feels way more mature
Now he finds, his curve is fine, his wins are more assured

Boof, oh, yes he can keep the ball down
And he’ll get them all to hit it on the ground
Boof can keep the bullpen safe and sound
Won’t you please, please, Boof, please?

And now the staff has changed in, oh, so many ways
Johan Santana somehow vanished in the haze
But every now and then I see Mr. Bonser
I know that we just need him like we’ve never done before

Boof, oh, yes, you can strike them all out
And you’ll keep the Twins from losing in a rout
Boof, what did you do with all those pounds?
Won’t you please, please, Boof, please?

When he was younger, so much younger than today
He always thought he’d do his pitching out there by the Bay
But San Francisco thought they needed A.J. more
And now they find they’ve changed their mind, and runs they now can’t score

Boof, oh, yes he can keep the ball down
And he’ll get them all to hit it on the ground
Boof can keep the bullpen safe and sound
Won’t you please, please, Boof, please?
Boof, please?
Boof, please?
Ooooo